I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over
the past year.
* Thanks to you, I no longer open a public
bathroom door without using a paper towel.
* I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I
don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the
adult movie channels.
* I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because
I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
* I have trouble shaking hands with someone who
has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone
is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the
number one spot)< o:p>
* Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.
* I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has
placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!
* I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me
the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a
wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
* Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I
open for the same reason.
* I no longer have any savings because I gave it
to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the
1,387,258th time.
* I no longer have any money at all, but that will
change once I rece ive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are
sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
* I no longer worry about my soul because I have
363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted
my every wish.
* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are
actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even
though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
* Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers
only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make
a wish within five minutes.
* Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca
Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
* I no longer can buy gasoline without taking
someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back
seat when I'm pumping gas.
* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the
people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under
God' on their cans.
* I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave
because it causes cancer.
* And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a
cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my
face...disfiguring me for life.
* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone
will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
* I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
* I no longer shop at Target since they are French
and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
* I no longer answer the phone because someone
will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
* I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman
Marcus since I now have their recipe.
* Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but
mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to
cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
* And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever
pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed
there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
* I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy
gas from certain gas companies!
*
If you don't send this e-mail to at least
144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will
land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels
will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this
will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A German scientist from Argentina, after a
lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain
activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
________________________________
Laughter is the jam on the toast of life. It adds flavor, keeps
it from being too dry, and makes it easier to swallow."
-- Diane Johnson
--
Claudene B. Gordon
